Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Sex, Scientology and God as the history of racism.

My girlfriend has her own chair in our flat and there is a perfectly valid reason for it; she is unclean. I have never sat in the said chair, my girlfriend and I have lived together for many years and I am certain that she has sat there by the window, watching the birds at the feeder, while menstruating. What annoys me is she will continue to innocently read or play games as though there is nothing wrong with what she is doing; why does she have no sense of guilt?
Women having their legs shrink-wrapped: This avoids the
contamination of the air around them.

The news that Nelson Mandela has passed on has not escaped anyone; obviously God would be aware of it, but would he be impressed by the work that the mortal carried out? The entire different races living together section of the Old Testament is scattered throughout the delightful work, but nonetheless firmly implanted into its pages and incorporates some of the most memorable and well loved mass deaths.

In the U.K this week scientologists have been allowed to marry in their own mad way bless them; the religion has numerous overpaid and undereducated members but is widely labeled as a cult. The difference between cult and religion is a fine and meandering murky soup which is in no way helped by what the differing variations of what the word actually means. 

Are these three concepts connected?

The U.K has been having a few disagreements between the various island dwellers on the topic of segregated university lectures for the benefit of those who, for their own reasons, might not want to sit next to somebody with a different set of genitals to them. The reasons given for this are religiously motivated; obviously, this unfortunately means that women will not be seen in a context of equality, because in any religion connected to the Old Testament, they never are. 

I am not sure that religious protocol melds particularly well to all formats of further education; in the study of astrophysics or in the field of evolutionary science, it might seem slightly amiss to claim verbally that none of the things that you are studying are true because the world has a big dome over its flat surface and that nothing evolved. One would not have to declare verbally that the lecturer was lying as the option not to sit next to a woman because god said would infer the associated belief that whatever you were studying were false. 
Brian Cox concludes his lecture:
 'Why women are manky.'

The segregation of women only exists in the theology because women are dirty and inferior; this is the reason for gender segregation, this and no other. The reason not to pander to the beliefs of others is the fact that some of these beliefs are complete arse: Talking shrubs and animals are in the children’s section, the degradation of women and the keeping of slaves should be in the history department.    

Apartheid, now firmly recognized as a bulging sick bag of human idiocy has its corpulent arse roots clinging vehemently to mouth of the creator. The concept of Apartheid was drawn up and implemented in South Africa by the Dutch reformed church; if one believes in Big Sky Beardface then that would certainly be the only way to run the place. 

The skywanker indicates clearly at the destruction of Babel, when the silly humans look above their position and try and improve upon themselves, that they shouldn't. All are scattered and given differing languages because they are achieving without the assistance of God and he gets all shirty. In Genesis he observes that: ‘If as one people speaking the same language, they have begun to do this, nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.’ Presumably he made these comments in a big booming voice due to his ethereal sky testicles. 
God: Easily annoyed. 

None the less if people achieved then they would be proud of their own achievements and turn their back on God; so everyone gets a different language and some theologists believe this how we ended up with separate continents. Theologists do, geologists however are flipping a coin between that and tectonic plate movement.

So we are not to integrate; we did and God flooded the earth, the only sin for this massive crime, for murdering every air breathing beast on the land, is that there was the mixing of race on the surface of our flat planet. Indeed this made it clear to the founders of a new home in the South of Africa that people should live apart, and not mix the seeds all in one field. So they didn't and God did not flood South Africa, so they must have been right.

Unfortunately if you have been praying for Nelson Mandela you probably shouldn't; I don’t think God agrees with him about integration. Nelson Mandela lived until his mid nineties and didn't drown, so maybe god isn't real after all.

In conclusion if there is one; Scientology is a bizarre and oppressive cult with no basis in reality; the problem is that so are Christianity, Judaism and Islam. Can we judge Scientology until we judge the others? Scientologists may as well get married if they want; I for one will not be influenced by their evil ways; even as we speak I am rubbing a goat’s ovary onto a dream catcher which is also a powerful defense against interracial marriage. 

Remember people, use goose fat to lubricate the gimp suit this season, or it just isn't Christmas. Jesus is the saviour and the safety word is Jesus. 

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Wogan, wanking and please read the end bit. Otherwise it looks bad.

Children in need was awful, the images of suffering children and half arsed dancing soap opera actors performing like dogs on Britain’s got talent was exactly comparable to being sick to the point when you can vomit no more and there is nothing left but the vile taste of bile clinging to your tonsils and making you retch further despite the futility of the abdominal heaving and the wanting to die.

I apologise for the lack of punctuation but it all sort of came out at once.

These facts aside; there was no attempt to discourage people from having things in need; which one would imagine would be a far better thing to promote. There are too many grown ups and far too many of their squealing offspring. If contraception were more widespread at an earlier stage then Terry Wogan might not be on the television at all and certainly would not be on for three solid days like an inconvenient stool. If contraception were more widespread at an earlier stage then Terry Wogan might not exist at all. Many women would not be sick every morning and I would not have been sick on Friday night. Actually I would, but I am unable to honestly suggest that the two things were connected.

The compilation of this and the news that Christianity is apparently on the verge of extinction came as a
It didn't have to come to this. 
shock. I began to imagine fleetingly that Warsi had an orifice toggle option as to the origin of her speech and her settings may be, ever so slightly, awry.

This is based around the fact that there are 2.13 billion Christians in the world, roughly, not including the ones that are unsure, which is more than there are ocelots. Which is a shame. Besides, Christians are only becoming extinct in ‘some places’; if you are extinct in some places then you are not extinct, you are merely absent. There are no crayfish in my pockets, and yet none the less, in the canal twenty yards away they continue to exist.

 My favorite bit, the tiny little hornet in the jockstrap, is the statement; ‘There isn’t an intrinsic clash between different faiths....’ I may have reason to question these sources; the Koran and the Bible, and the basis of both of them, the Torah, do imply a slight ambivalence towards those who suffer from a differing form of madness. As we are able to tell by current affairs, and an unimaginable amount of previous ones.

Obviously in Kosovo where 200, 000 Muslims were killed by Christians was over the album ‘Automatic for the people’ by REM; Muslims had flocked to buy ‘Waking up the neighbours’ by Bryan Adams the year before and felt it was the best album released in that financial year and that the song ‘Night swimming’, an
obvious filler track, was a load of pretentious shit. We all know the outcome.
Look at the happy elves dancing on my pointless head. 

In affiliation with this; Palestine is entirely orientated around a drunken brawl based on the sexuality of Cliff Richard and the crusades was an argument about jam.

Three days of television about the suffering of children without once mentioning the remedy and news that believers in the Old Testament do, in fact, like each other, and everyone else should help them get on. Despite the elementary fact that all of these believers are aiming at death as it is, in fact, a sort of promotion. All Christians, Muslims and Jews are going somewhere better, in this context genocide can be seen as being helpful and should be accepted with the good grace with which it was given.
There has been a long history of positive religious
Until contraception is realized as a solution to the global problems that we face then the only way we can possibly hope to feed the planet and maintain a consumable water supply is if these psychotic murdering idiots continue to murder each other for no apparent reason. We should give them all a hammer each and herd them into stadiums to get it out of their systems.    

The real problem is that last bit isn’t true; because they are not going somewhere better, they are merely being killed. All they become is a dead apes; until we realize this and control the amount of apes that need feeding then our problems as living apes are far from over.

If you are in danger of conceiving there are numerous helplines that will help you to masturbate. In the long term contraception can be acquired entirely for free from your G.P. Absolutely no religion sees this as a solution. 

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Porn, popes and a loose grip on reality.

Madness has apparently become infectious; everyone has caught the whiff in recent weeks apart from the clergy; because they said so and they should know. Meanwhile in the wave of sexuality that hasn't existed in every single mammal that has ever lived apparently sweeps over the children of the U.K. turning them into rampant sex beasts.

The archbishop of Canterbury has declared that he, and other people that believe in spiritual things, are in no way mental. A sign of mental illness is hearing voices in ones head; as a voice for the ultimate deity one can only assume that Justin Welby can not only hear voices but presumably he knows who is doing the speaking.

There is a fair amount of religious people, they seem to be all over the place at times; statistically, even if one assumes that the majority of them are sane, there will be a certain remaining demographic that has a more tenuous grasp of reality. It might be less of a leap if one believes, for example, that an ethereal being demands the removal of a body part that he created for the benefit of the owner, to step across the threshold into the realm of the genuinely crazed.    

People who think they are Jesus might be mad, presumably they are also religious; it would be going to far, possibly, not only to declare yourself as Christ but then pointing out that you don’t exist either. Or perhaps you do exist; you just aren't the son of God, how did you come back?

The Archbishop of Canterbury: 'If you say I'm mad I'll cut
you, I'm imagining it now.'
In 2011 Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hemandez declared himself as Jesus and fired an AK47 at the Whitehouse, the motivation for this is the fact that Barak Obama is the antichrist. Which is fair enough as far I’m concerned; religious freedom in a developed country means that people should have the right to act according to their beliefs and worship in their own special little way; even if it means rocking back and forth and shouting ‘I hate blacks’ at the top of their voice. 

 To emphasize the sanity that dwells deep in the mind of the spiritual; here is an article written by a person of sound mind indicating Dungeons and Dragons causes people to behave irrationally, which is true, usually by continuing to play it. The problem being it also encourages people to become genuine sorcerers, which is where the argument might fall down. I, however, think that the problem of the youth of today training to be mages and wizards and altering reality to achieve their own evil ends may have been solved for us in advance.   

At this point in the article it becomes apparent that no one has actually accused the Archbishop of Canterbury of being mad; he is just shouting ‘I’m not mad and neither are the others’ without any provocation. This is generally viewed as a bad sign.

Earlier a leader of an earlier religion observed that ‘society was losing the plot’ altogether and everyone was mad for not being Jewish. God is going to be very cross with one of these men as they both believe in very different hats; all being well he will make them fight.

 As madness displays a strong absence amongst the religious fraternity it is clearly evident in school policy. An astonishing decision to combat the sexualization of children by telling them about it when they don’t need to know and aren't interested has taken place. By telling the children about porn, which they don’t know about, they will then be safe from what they haven’t seen and as a result not be influenced by it.

The role of the parents in this is clearly underestimated as they should be casting a cursory glance on what their responsibility has access to; the chances of children having access to hardcore pornography in a primary school seems fairly limited. Or it was, until someone had this frankly stupid idea.

'Where do you put this at the point of orgasm?' U.K
students are put through their paces. 

There is a hypocritical element; presumably the parents of these children did become sexualized at some point on the premise that these children exist at all, unless all the children are Jesus. Perhaps if we can make sure that no-one becomes sexualized then we would not have to teach the children how to be a mammal, no-one would pictures on facebook of their wrinkled offspring or put a pram next to me in a restaurant, the latter being firmly in the top five arguments for contraception.   

Perhaps the best idea would be if people were only allowed to breed by Immaculate Conception; we would pay less tax, restaurants would be quieter and if Jesus did turn up we would know it was him.

Pope Francis spoke openly on the topic of child safety and faith on Thursday in an interview with Elrond Lord of Rivendell: ‘I don’t get why people keep connecting pedophilia and Christianity’, the pontiff stated, ‘Jesus hated bald pussy. Mary Magdalene had a thatch like a Boney M afro and he was up her inner thigh like a spider monkey. The apostle Paul used to tell an anecdote in which Jesus set fire to Mary’s pubic hair to see if it said anything.’  

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Elfin trousers.

Any politician who uses the term ‘brave political decision’ to describe what ever it is the electorate really don’t want him to do but is going to do anyway is already very aware that he is part off the ruling class. (Google ‘badger cull’.)


The fact that the British public are being encouraged by the government to marry for their own good is astonishing, he fact that these people genuinely seem to think that they know what is for the benefit of the general public is in its own way deeply disturbing; I thought these people were supposed to organize infrastructure and deal with the bins.
Would someone please explain to me slowly
how this happened?

As a member of this joyful country if you happen to be married then you will be lucky enough to receive a tax break. What in the name of Odin’s interstellar trousers have those two things got to do with each other? You may well ask, and I swear on the cervix of Brittany Spears I have no cocking idea.

I don’t want to get married, neither does the person that I live with and I am sure that there are lots of people like us and plenty more who have simply not met the right person. There is a good chance that these people also claim no benefits, no childcare and generally receive nothing from the government at all.

David Cameron said: "I believe in marriage, alongside the birth of my children, my wedding was the happiest day of my life.” So, he quite likes being married and apparently feels I should try it which is awfully nice of him. The prime minister added: "The values of marriage are give and take, support and sacrifice - values that we need more of in this country." These basic elements of humanity clearly cannot exist prior to or without the utterance of a few words under a gazebo.

It can cost less than one hundred pounds to wed; all you need is a couple of down payments and a roof to carry out the act under, The happy couple will receive two hundred pounds per anum once joyfully joined, which at least means that there is a profit, albeit a rather shit one, to be had.

Is it possible that a deliberate saving could be made by some bad and uncooperative apples that are not overly phased by the sanctity of this pseudo Christian fart-arsery in the first place? Is it possible that this will convince people that they may as well be married as long as it is convenient? If so then it may well add to an already impressive divorce rate which was at 42% in 2010. (National Office of Statistics.) This statistic in itself might also imply that the sanctity of marriage turns out not to be overly sanct. 

The prime minister of the U.K claims to be religious; there is some evidence for this with the reintroduction of faith schools; which once again allows the legal and state supported indoctrination and abuse of children. 

Jeremy Hunt thought he would help out with this meaningless and bizarrely existent debate; for what ever reason. One could enquire what the secretary of state for health has got to do this; while you are doing this why not ponder why the secretary of state for health believes in homeopathic medicine, which is basically the same as a minister for transport who believes in levitation.

Jeremy pointed out that marriage was ‘special’, which is unhelpful: Although presumably he believes a relationship can be special outside of wedlock, as proven by his relationship with News Corp before and during their bid for BskyB in which his actions were entirely above board. Not to mention the ‘special adviser’, of whom Hunt had, that in no way provided a ‘back channel of influence’ for News Corp. If marriage is special and so are advisers do I receive a tax rebate for having one of the latter? 
Look at his magical face: Elves are real, dream
catchers actually catch dreams, homeopathy works
 and the British government is in no way trying to
improve things by wildly wanking into a handbag
instead of doing their actual fucking job.

The concept of believing homeopathy is in any way functional is not a sound basis for rationality or government; no wonder Jeremy thinks that marriage is a little bit magical; he can probably see elves at the foot of his bed weaving fucking dream-catchers.

The only reason not to continue this is the fact that entire subject is based upon the inane gibberings of a coalition that should never have existed in the first place. All that this new development represents is the erasing of the Syria debacle from the long list of Cameron shaped mistakes; it is merely an additional grotesque fold on the corpulent sack of consistently evolving nonsense that is the over-sized seat of British politics.     

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Blasphemy is for believers, I can make a pork collage of the prophets if I want.

Blasphemy is for other people; I cannot commit an impious act as I do not acknowledge the existence of piety. Other people are more than welcome to self apply the rules of an imaginary concept based on fuck all if they so wish; you might not eat pork because you read in a book that God disapproves; that is like me having a fondness for real ale and fireworks because Gandalf liked them.

 There is no difference between me placing a stuffed pig on a stuffed penguin or on the cover of the Quran; there is no religious significance to either item and neither is sacred. I am quite fond of penguins but I have no qualms about their contact with the porcine element, although I am sure it is a fairly rare occurrence

 This program by the BBC, entitled teen exorcists,although reasonably impartial and investigatory, none the less represents a concept of belief and attached actions that it inspires which makes the blurry lines between religious freedom and what is acceptable behavior.

 The fact that it seems acceptable to tell children that demons live in peoples heads; to take these children to Africa, where there has been a great deal of child abuse based on the fact that Christianity is at an earlier stage on that continent than it is in the west. As a result the horrific acts that were carried out in the Middle Ages in the name of this ridiculous, tainted and foul amalgamation of apocryphal untruths are being reenacted in the twenty-first century. There is no excuse for this.

If this penguin were a Quran, I would be in
a world of shit. 
Mormons are not allowed televisions; the thieving liars that make up the leadership of the L.D.S are fully aware that if one gains any knowledge on the actual formation of this warped religion they will shortly become fully aware that it is a massive pile of shit. All religions have always worked along this same premise.

The cruelty that is being carried out in the various differing countries of Africa motivated by religious zeal, which was embarrassing in medieval Europe, is now being encouraged by lunatics from the west who have to travel quite far to find someone who willing to believe this fucking nonsense any longer. The evangelical, fuck witted, self important denial of all logic makes up everything that is negative about all levels of faith.

Apologists may point out that you can be a Christian without the demon, angels and casting out element of the whole thing; in short you cannot. If anyone has the audacity to tell me that a book is true to the point that one should live ones entire life by the ethos contained within its hallowed pages then all of it has to be true. The bit with the demons, the bit where it is alright to have and to hit slaves, the victims of rape that choose not to marry their beloved rapist should be hit in the head with rocks until they are dead and all of the animals in the world fit on a boat.

Pretending these weird and frankly disgusting ideas are not part of attending church undermines the religion and deity that is being worshiped; if you are not willing to live by the full list of these rules then keep your leaflets far from my face, if you are willing to live life in this manner then you are a dangerous psychotic with no place in society.

The assumption that the rules of ones faith apply to everyone else is part of the assumption that everything belongs to you; Christians against marriage seem to be firmly under the misapprehension that Christians invented the concept. This is why it is felt that weddings should follow the values, using the word in the loosest possible terms, of their misguided and fictional doctrine. It is very clear that marriage existed, not just earlier than Jesus was written about one hundred and fifty years after his death, but clearly before Moses manages to narrate his funeral in the first person and declare himself as meek. The Greek gods were married to each other long before Abraham was convinced to stab his only son to death to prove a point and they weren't real either.
Three times bigger than the arc was supposed to be:
It still wouldn't work. 

Teaching children that demons and djinns exist, not to mention that they need to be fought takes away their childhood and possibly the rest of their lives. This is not composed to incite any kind of religious discord or hatred; it is an argument against the damage that religion causes to innocent individuals; and ends with the question: is it acceptable to hate that?

  I leave you with the words of a much wiser man.

One is often told that is a very wrong thing to attack religion, because it makes men virtuous. So I am told; I have not noticed it.
You find as you look around the world that every single bit of humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the diminution of war, every step toward better treatment of the colored races, or every mitigation of slavery, every moral progress that there has been in the world, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world.

Bertrand Russell. 

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Mormons, madness, elves and eccentricity.

The week started off well as I was surrounded by goats, it did begin to slip downhill a little towards midweek as they turned into Mormons. Not that they 'turned into' Mormons, which would have been awesome; more that circumstances changed as time moved on and I seemed to inadvertently exchange one for the other. Not that I would ever swap goats for Mormons.

I was becoming strained by the self satisfied expressions being worn by this milling herd which was noticed by another Gentile, I was informed that I 'have to respect their religion.'

A rosy cheeked fourteen year old was attempting to convince me that joy lingered within the tome he clutched; his partner was entirely more shrewd of eye and cynical about the path of questioning I was merrily skipping along, with them, reluctantly, in tow.
Mormons: Absolutely love it. 

In 1823 Joseph Smith was visited by the angel Moroni, which was nice of him. The voice of the Lord spake unto Joseph, as he would put it, the luminous figure then told him the whereabouts of a golden book which he was not allowed to retrieve. The book had been there for 1400 years so presumably there was no rush; Joseph dug the book up anyway and God immediately took it away, which is fair enough. Fortunately god said the chosen one could have another chance; as long as he came back every year and then married the woman he fancied, which panned out alright.

The father of the girl was perturbed as this was around the point that the prophet was done for fraud by the state of New York, not for anything to do with his religious chuntering, but for telling people he could find treasure by reading crystals. Joseph took quite a bit of money in advance for finding treasure, the only down point being that he never found any.

Emma, the girl that god chose after Joseph realized he fancied her, eventually ran off with the lunatic/con man; this meant he could now have his golden book. The book was written in 'reformed Egyptian' despite not having come from Egypt and being in America; it was very lucky that god provided some 'magic spectacles' that enabled the reader to understand the ancient text. Like the Quran and the Bible, it is for some reason vital that the people of the world have no chance of understanding the message that is being sent specifically to them.    

In more recent years the 'key enemies of Mormonism' have been clearly labelled as 'Feminism and homosexuality'. The people who dwell upon this Earth that have a darker pigment to their complexion are intrinsically evil; the colour was punishment for turning their backs on God. Later in the promised land of America, right next to where Joseph Smith lived thousands of years later, the black people killed all the white people which is why no people of caucasian appearance were there by the time the historical world was able to visit.  Next time the white shirted preachers of madness (wearing their special Mormon underwear, I kid you not at all) have the presumption to offer you a conversion; make sure you bring up the subjects of sexism, homophobia and blatant racism.
Joseph Smith: Like Jesus only less gay. 

I do not have to respect your religion, or indeed anyone's religion. The big three, and all their appropriated spin off series, are based upon the truth of the Old Testament, the downfall being that it hasn't got any in it. Every day new species are found in the world, on continents never visited until very recent centuries, just collecting all the dragon flies from the surface of the world would be unfeasible today. It would be extraordinarily difficult for a man who had no idea that other countries existed at all. A dubiously accumulated book of apocryphal tales that were roughly hammered together long after the event that advocate slavery, the death of homosexuals and the standard second class citizenship of women is not something I have any obligation to respect or even acknowledge.

If your idea is obviously false I have no reason to respect it, your assumption of respect is not enough to make it the case. When I was a student in shared accommodation I returned home in the early hours of the morning minus the trousers that I was sure I had been wearing when I left. I have no memory of the incident but reliable sources informed me in retrospect (very much like a religious text) that I stood in a noble fashion in the front room, in front of the television so as to capture my audience. I moved on to loudly declare that Elves were responsible for the entire thing.
An Elf in a weirdly seductive pose and a Hitler mustache:
The absence of trousers does not necessarily indicate
the presence of  Elves. No matter what I say.

My housemates were unconvinced; they observed that I had misplaced my trousers on numerous occasions, there had, on every occasion been an absence of Elves whereas there had never been an absence of whisky. I was apparently offended by this; I denounced my housemates as unbelievers whilst waving a nearly empty whisky bottle at them. I seemed to genuinely believe in something; this in no way meant that it warranted respect from my reluctant disciples. The fact that I firmly believed in something in no way made it less fucking stupid.

I moved on past the milling Mormons to an evangelist and then on to a stall advocating Islam; they had Qurans in English. I was under the impression that this was not allowed; the word of the Quran is protected by god from corruption. I inquired about this and was told that some Muslims do believe that the book has to be in Arabic. In fact some branches of Islam would be very cross about it indeed. Islam broke into two as soon as Muhammad was cold; whether people should follow the family of the prophet or should another prophet be chosen. This resulted in the Sunni and the Shia and there has not been a moments peace between them since. I feel that God could have been clearer on a couple of points.

If you are in this position, standing at a religious stall in the main though fair of a town, if you have a line of preachers from the different segments of true belief bellowing over the heretic nearby. I find that if you observe that they all follow the same religion, and then suggest that they 'all have a talk' then the atmosphere cools noticeably. I think in the west we can judge Islam on this point; lets face it, Catholics and Protestants have always got on.

There are nearly 41,000 denominations of Christianity and numerous Islamic schools, the Jews believe the Old Testament which we can definitely say is not based upon fact in itself. There is no mention of Mary ascending to heaven in any bible and this branch of belief that supports Catholicism is genuinely referred to the assumption. Among the splendid buffet of evidence for the false nature of modern monotheism, the fact that no two groups agree, to the point of foaming anger, on the exact desires of the deity prove that it is a manufactured concept open to the whims, madness and ignorance of the consistently fallible human.

The joy of conversation has been riddled with bullshit over the previous week; there have been offered statements of fact that distinctly lacking in the fact department. I was discussing the concept of military intervention in Syria and the difficulties involved in actually bombing a chemical weapons plant; one of the key problems is that the chemicals tend to come out. The idea of Exocet missiles hitting installations containing sarin gas without causing collateral damage seems a little far fetched. As we know from recent events, once there is a collection of collateral damage then the collateral that is still moving around and intact starts to get understandably irritated by the amount of damage that there has been and one ends up with a form of insurgency.
Minnows: Know more than you because they love the cock. 

The idea of puncturing chemical storage units with a none explosive charge and scattering tungsten rods over a sixty foot area on a day that is not particularly windy seems ambitious; mainly due to the history of friendly fire incidents and general fuck ups that have formed the global image of international relations for the last decade. I felt a hand land gently on my shoulder and heard words spoken through a smile: 'Obviously you are not a mother.' This, in all fairness, is a good point. 'If you were a mother, you would want to invade Syria.' Which I'm not sure is.  

I, for some reason tried to explain the interventions in the late 19th century into Afghanistan, which was not an invasion at the time, but just installing a friendly government. (To protect the route to India which was important at the time) The Arabic world is much more aware of the western intervention through history than we tend to be and it colours their view of the present interactions of the modern western world, as well it should. Also the technological difficulties of bombing such targets is enormous and needs a great deal more thought and planning than an immediate attack would have. Starting an aggressive movement towards a middle eastern target without an exit strategy would be really embarrassing. Like losing your trousers more than once.
Highlander: Lives in your vulva. 

None of this mattered, if you have children you apparently understand the importance of the suffering of children in a greater way than someone who has been more cautious. You immediately understand the history of international relations when the crying starts and you had no compassion up until that point. As soon as the placenta hits the rubber matting you are filled with the knowledge of the universe as though you vagina was in some way highlander.

I was told that my degree was a much lesser qualification than breeding: My degree took three fucking years, when I was sixteen I got a girl pregnant in a massively shorter period of time. A really short period of time now I think about it. The more children grotesquely spat out into an unwelcoming and overflowing world the better apparently, the wiser the bearer of the magical cervix becomes. Minnows have the capacity to produce thousands of offspring at a time, this in no way indicates that the proud parent should work for the U.N.

I was more recently informed that 'If you were a parent you would believe in capital punishment, you would understand that some people deserve to die.' I am fairly certain that bit isn't true, there are various parents I know personally that breeding did not have this effect upon. Breeding does not stop you from being a dick, breeding is not, in itself, an achievement.

I miss the goats. Sometimes it is just nice to know where you stand.

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Censorship and sheep’s legs. (Not suitable for children.)

The lamb leg is a favorite choice of meat for many a Sunday roast; it is easy to make it tender, although it can be a rather tasteless meat and as a result can take little effort to make it a truly successful dish. I am only cooking for two and am only using a half leg but this recipe can be used on a larger joint

The censorship laws due to be brought in 2014 will mean that you have to admit to watching porn and allow consistent monitoring of your browsing if you wish to look at or read any material that is deemed inappropriate by somebody else. This person will be a member of parliament and probably will disagree with you on the subject of what is good for you to read, what is in your personal interest to know and what isn't.

Take a leek; slice and add chopped onions and good sized pair of cloves of garlic; fry these until they begin to brown, releasing their juices. Take the pan off the heat, and while your hot wet vegetables begin to cool you can be preparing your meat. In front of the hard bone, heading towards the center of the meat you will find a natural fatty flange. This can easily be opened using the correct utensil. It is always a good idea to gently push your fingers in to prepare the hole. 

Meaty flange: Things not to Google.
If you want to watch something unseemly then you have to basically tell someone that you are looking at porn; because children might watch things that are perfectly suitable for you, and funnily enough, are not suitable for them) The word unseemly applies to a great deal of things that I find entertaining: Family Guy, Battlestar Gallactica, Archer and the History of Britain.

Put the string on the chopping board, spaced accordingly, and then splay your meat out on top of it. The leeks and onions will now have cooled and it is time for stuffing: the oil will lubricate the insertion and don’t worry about stretching the meaty orifice, as the restraints, once applied, will make sure everything stays tight enough.  

It would be a more acceptable practice for people to ‘opt in’ to internet monitoring; that way the opinion of a self proclaimed Christian would not be guiding what you watch and read. There could be an ‘I do have children and lack the capacity to operate windows’ option, this would immediately bar you from reading anything about Pompeii, Julian Assange or fifty shades of grey.

Violated meat.
It is now time to wrap up the joint; this will form a firm yet yielding meaty mound with oily juices leaking from the opening. Pull the ends of the string and tie in a simple knot; make sure the restraints are tight enough to produce taught, bulging rounded embonpoints that are firm to the touch. With a lubricant of your choice insert the meat into an oven (220 degrees for the first half an hour and then and then an extra half an hour per 900 grams on 160-80 for well done and 20 minutes per 900 grams for medium/rare.)

You can also take this opportunity to put your spuds in.

The fact that someone who believes that Moses narrated he own funeral in the first person, while describing himself as meek is summing up acceptability is not the only risk that the new and bizarre alterations to the internet will bring. A millionaire with no understanding of reality wishes to bring to your information freedom the lack of anything 'violent', presumably whether the violence is carried out by the British government or not. Anything to do with ‘extremist related content’ which is pretty much anything one chooses to disagree with strongly. ‘Suicide related websites’ are out, so presumably so are the Samaritans. ‘Alcohol and smoking’ are taboo; I am fairly certain that most websites on those topics refer to stopping these practices as apposed to continuing them, the latter being easy to achieve without a great deal of research. ‘Web forums’ are not good, although the ones I have read are in fact about a variety of roasting times for differing meats and it sounds very much like a ban on the exchange of information. Last but certainly not least is ‘esoteric material’. Esoteric meaning: ‘adjective intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest.’ (Oxford dictionary.) 

Most things posted on the internet are aimed at a comparatively small group of people; be they brony, vegan, musician or train-spotter. This makes the final addition to Cameron’s list the most perturbing of all the frankly mental suggestions put forward so far.

Double entendre: Insert yours here. 
Most things posted on the internet are aimed at a comparatively small group of people; be they brony, vegan, musician or train-spotter. This makes the final addition to Cameron’s list the most perturbing of all the frankly mental suggestions put forward so far.

Steam some cauliflower and broccoli, then place in the top of the oven with a thick layer of Parmigianino reggiano and a sprinkling of pepper; this cheesy side order really compliments a hearty portion of hot meat. 

I would display images of the finished dish, but for your own protection I have decided to refrain; I fear that you would all become rampantly aroused and start fucking each other like wild dogs. 

Next week: I will show you how to jerk pork and finish it off with some cheesy nut muffins.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Pugs and prejudice.

I have volunteered to look after a pug for the weekend; I have seen a lot of pug based internet activity in the past and they have been advertised openly on the front of BBC comedians. This is, however, the first experience I have had in the extended company of one. When I see my guest for the first time he is lunging wildly at passers by and making high pitched noises at them; I am not filled with confidence that the weekend will be a success.

Pugs: Racist.

Men 'to blame for the menopause'.

There are numerous reasons why the science behind this seems as questionable as the way it is worded: In 1900 in the U.K the average life expectancy was 50, (obviously there were exceptions) if you began having any sort of hot flush there would probably be a certain level of gratitude that you being provided with the opportunity to do so. So if humans, en mass, didn’t exist at this age, it seems unlikely that any adaptations were taking place in the body of them. There would be no point.

Natural selection does not happen at speed, it is well known for this. Since life expectancy has gone up it is unlikely that any evolutionary leaps (there is no such thing as an evolutionary leap by the way, only evolution, it is a figure of speech) that would have drastically altered how the body ages. Young people are healthier and more likely to successfully breed: Teenagers are rampant. At 16 it did not occur to me to have sex to procreate, I would have slept with a fifty year old, I would probably have slept with her sofa. There is a reason for this.

As I age my sperm count will decrease (which everybody, including me, is grateful for) and my enthusiasm for coitus will ebb. I blame women. If more nineteen year old Russian tennis players frequently sucked me off then I would obviously defy the aging process.

The noises that a pug makes: Not just when food disappears into its bizarrely wrinkled face but just generally. The consistent gurgling and hacking; mysterious gurgling noises are emitted from various points on its barrel like physique. The gurgling noises that he produces are interrupted when there is something on the television that he finds disagreeable: So far these have been Morris dancers, (that were incorporated into some sort of twee detective drivel) that noise that Xena warrior princess makes when she is attacking and anyone black. I find the last on this list ever so slightly disturbing.

I suppose I should be pleased that someone in America is reading this, even if they are reading my e-mails as well. I’m not sure that I am reacting in the right way to the news that government agencies are viewing my behavior, this might be, on my part that my internet behavior is designed to be quite public; I, for example, would quite like people to read this.

I imagine that Facebook is less of a worry for some people; anyone that is clever enough not to be a youth interaction fuckwit for the metropolitan police goes to some effort to consider what they are putting on a public domain anyway. But are we missing the point?

Are we guilty of a western orientated arrogance as we mock countries such as China and Iran for monitoring the internet activities of their populace? Are there too many rhetorical questions?

Bastards: Come in all shapes, sizes and, er, yeah.
The two striking elements of the American government following the internet proclivities of Europeans are based on the modern day lack of a class divide and the old long standing divide between politicians and actual members of the populace. Either the American government has no respect for the inhabitants of any nation, or their government and our own has absolutely no respect for us. The lack of reaction on the part of the sniveling weasels that run this island is embarrassing for them and us. It should make us consider why a coalition was ever formed in peace time and is it as wobbly as the original election of George Bush?

The pug is jolly: He is rolling about on a bean bag and snuffling in a delightful manner; he chases things with his paws like a cat, this might be due to the fact that his mouth is frankly shit at anything apart from making gurgling noises. The gurgling noises are quite cute now I have come to terms with the fact that he makes them at all.  
Eyebrows: Some people can be judged by their appearance.

A friend of mine came to visit on Saturday evening: My friend is from a warmer clime than this dubious end of the U.K. and as a result has a differing complexion. The dog went fucking mental. That is all I am saying on the subject.

In regard to the other observations made in this post: You may form your own opinions, I'm sure you would anyway.

If you hated this blog you would genuinly dislike this book by the same muppet.


Sunday, 26 May 2013

Xenophobia and meatballs.

Should we be embarrassed for the state of affairs that we live in? There seems to be an excuse for those that lived in the distant or even recent past as scientific understanding lacked an accurate explanation for things in general. We had great hopes for the year 2000, flying cars and a utopia based on the pursuit of a higher order. Like in Star Trek. When London caught fire in September 1666 rampant xenophobia ensured that folk rambled around to find a Jew to hang; it was apparently unlikely to have an accidental fire in a big pile of wood without the interaction of a follower of the old faith. Where as we know now that as that big clumsy scarab pushes the sun across the sky the occasional spark is bound to come off and cause trouble.

The great fire of London had an integral background of xenophobia due to recently having attacked the Dutch, consistently fighting the French and the recent reformation of the church; there was a distinct lack of facebook so perhaps folk could lump Catholics and foreigners in to their own vile little pigeon holes because people really did not know any better. Even though a bearded gent who everybody at the time professed to believe in had stood on a hill 1400 years previously and told everyone not to behave in such a frankly gormless fashion; it hadn’t worked and now there were two groups of people who professed to believe in the bearded gent arguing over what he had meant in the first place. But that’s folk for you and there you go.

A diagram of how the sun works.

So an event carried out by individual nutters, or an event that is not really carried out by anyone can lead to the bumbling persecution of a category of people. In the case of Timothy McVeigh who carried out the largest homegrown terrorist attack in America did not lead to the persecution of Catholics, not that I am suggesting it should have done. At this point in time we had progressed to the point that made it common sense that he was an individual that happened to be catholic; his mental intentions were not the mental intentions of the majority of Catholics who were at this point, very noticeably, not blowing anything up at all. This could be due to the fact that Mr. McVeigh’s motives were not religious but political; although one might hope that a couple of commandments might have given him a little pause for thought.

A surprisingly pale bearded gent distributes advice.
There has been a backlash against the Catholic Church as an institution as a whole in recent weeks; once again the news displayed evidence for sexual misconduct and child abuse. The reaction to these events has been anger towards the institution and sympathy towards the Catholics themselves; this seems to be the most logical and kindhearted reaction. Considering how reviled pedophilia is outside of the church; those that commit it under the protective wing of the church have driven people from the institution in droves. No-one has discovered some one to be a Catholic and drawn their children closer while watching the individual with deep disgust and suspicion, I think is my point.

I logged into Facebook the other morning to waste some time and avoid doing anything constructive before I die; at the top of the wall were the words: Kill all Muslims.
I will not patronize anyone by explaining what is wrong with this.
I recently learned the art of stuffing meatballs with mozzarella; I will never look back. I will treat anyone who makes meatballs without stuffing them with mozzarella with scorn. I frown upon their undeveloped ways. While doing this I am very aware that some of these people might be peaceful people; there are nearly two million Muslims in the U.K and probably even more people that make meatballs without a cheese filling; I can tell by a massive lack of events that they are not killing anyone. I have a Google box, a book of face, Wikipedia and none of us have any excuse anymore. The people who live after us will know that we didn’t. 

The future.

Sunday, 19 May 2013

I am man!

In retrospect I should have realised that the violence was not inevitable; I should have seen it coming, if only I had the insight into my own psyche that Diane Abbot clearly possesses.
Cheeseburgers are a pretty manly thing to cook for tea, so far so good; I am at peace with myself. Then came fatal mistake: I rolled the mince into dish shapes, lined them with jalapeno peppers, stuffed them with shitake mushrooms and mozzarella cheese. Then mash up a packet of smoky bacon crisps and roll the burgers in the crumbs to form a coating. (This also soaks up excess moisture). I placed the burgers on a baking sheet in preheated oven and then had a massive nervous collapse.
Stabbing pains shot through my head as I clutched wildly at my temples and thrashed around on the linoleum. The day before I had made a bacon sandwich, which was supposed to help, a manly thing apparently your bacon sandwich; but I had ruined it by putting cherry tomatoes in it which had made it all gay. Now I was paying the price.
I scrabbled at the front door and stumbled out into the street: A bespectacled gentleman with a satchel was passing; I immediately punched him savagely in the face sending him sprawling to the floor. A woman came running from her house, so I made an absence gesture with my fist and told her to get her tits out. The shooting pains subsided, I went back inside and slapped my girlfriend in Case she said anything; lets face facts; she should have been cooking in the first place because she has a vagina and, as a result, this was all her fault.

After drawing this overwhelmingly feminine picture of a happy little dinosaur I had no choice but to scissor kick an I.T consultant in the stomach.


I have read an awful lot about me this week and I am inherently awful: I am eternally grateful to both Diane Abbot MP and Barbara Ellen, a sort of journalist, if I have completely misunderstood the word journalist and it means that you write down what ever comes into your head, for keeping me posted on my deeply flawed existence.

I had no idea until I read the Observer that men are responsible for wasting the fertility of women by not having children with them because men are selfish. Put like this it sounds a bit stupid; this is because it is. A third of women, according to this publication, do not have children for this reason; Barbara Ellen feels that it is a larger percentage than this; presumably because the elves in her head sang to her that this was the case.
Despite the unquestionable statistics it raises the question of opposites: How many women are forced to have children because the man is selfish? Barbara seems to be under the impression that women who don’t want children for reasons of their own are an ‘urban myth’, which is frankly more sexist against women than anything I have ever said or done.

I don’t really need to point out to any rational person that if only one person out of the necessary two wants children then that person needs to be with someone who does. What if the man wants children and the female party involved does not? Is she being selfish?
Why are children part of an unquestionable long term plan? If you are part of a couple and you think that you would be good parents and a child would enhance your life and relationship and you can provide for this new being then that seems fair. Thinking that having children is something that you do because it is what you do is an outdated concept that lacks all levels of introspection and philosophy: This planet is running low on a great deal of things and people are not one of them.
As an upper middle class journalist/MP, a large majority of the people that actually exist are going to be different to the people that you have actually met. I have taken everything these two people have said into account: I checked with my partner and asked if I was stopping her from breeding, she assures me that no-one needs to do that. She was very graphic about it. All men have the desire to be stereotypically masculine in the same way that women all like pink shoes and talent shows. My girlfriend watches Top Gear while I’m out because I hate it; I like baking, drawing pictures and big lovely bosoms. I am comfortable with this, and would be, even if I loved the cock.